Somes Island start for Swindale Shield

The Swindale Shield will resume on Matiu/Somes Island at the conclusion of the Level 2 lockdown.

Head of Community Rugby Will Caccia-Birch made the announcement following an urgent meeting with clubs and shareholders.

“We have to do everything to get the game underway again. I can’t handle any more phone calls from Damian Collins and Scott MacLean,” he said. “Somes Island is the perfect place to play. We can adhere to the government’s safety regulations while avoiding Nairnville and Helston Parks.”

Matches will start at 8am played one at a time, with the round concluding just before midnight.  Each team will be individually transported to their game by the Dominion Post Ferry and strictly adhere to social distancing rules by getting changed beside individually assigned trees and washing in the water before kickoff.

A spokesperson for the Dominion Post enthused. “We’ve done nothing to support the local game for years. This is a further illustration of our commitment to local sport.”

Club Rugby’s Steven White is excited about the season starting. “Rugby on Somes Island isn’t without precedent. Next week I will publish a five-part series about the history of rugby on Somes Island,” he said.

A ballot for photographers has determined. David Brownlie and Andy McArthur will be granted access to the Island with Brownlie to ride his jet ski to games. Mike Lewis preferred to stay at home where his harbour views from his Hutt hills hideaway can capture the action with his new custom built supersonic lens. Dave Lintott has been banned for refusing to wear shoes.

Referee Vincent Ringrose married in the off-season and is itching to get back into action. “I’m tired of penalising my wife, I’d prefer to blow my whistle at Whetu Henry,” he warned.

Adam Julian will be screaming out the wrong names from a nearby embankment for Te Upoko O Te Ika. The music and PA duties will be provided by Norths. Tawa TV will enjoy exclusive rights to livestream all fixtures, but commentator David Gaunt will be breath tested at the foot of the Island.

Cheryl and Lola (Sherdian Rangihuna’s dog) will be considered an essential service for Poneke and Hutt Old Boys Marist respectively, but unfortunately for MSP Budgie will remain in quarantine.

Justin Va’a and Uale Mai will come out of retirement for Wainuiomata but leading Academy players will be wrapped in cotton wool.

Andy Leslie will wear gloves when presenting the Petone Player of the Day.

The announcement hasn’t been universally popular with a Department of Conservation ranger complaining the wellbeing flora and fauna on the Island is threatened. He was soon put in his place by Jonathan Fuimaono and the Old Boys University legal team.