Aisle be Back: The North

• By Kevin McCarthy.

It’s fashionable in the recent times to say satire may be dead, given what some would politely call,  a 24-7 cycle of change. Or, less politely, the continual cluster-fudge.

Kudos then for World Rugby proudly announcing it will be doing more biometric testing of fans to see what happens to them as they watch the game. This apparently was done in 2022, when some fans heart rates were monitored during an England versus New Zealand match.

Key learnings to date. Fans flatline when the TMO is involved. They get excited by line breaks. Thank you modern science, what else could you reveal?

• Your reaction to the news that Mark Robinson is spearheading this project.
• Your reaction to the opposition clearly cheating against your team.
• Your reaction to your team scoring.
• Your reaction to the opposition team scoring.
• Your reaction to the two inebriated guys in front of you who bought mid-row seats, forgot to eat, and need everyone to stand up every 10 minutes so they can pay homage to their bladders.
• Your reaction to the godawful moment where your team butchers a golden chance and you must avert your eyes in horror,
• Your eardrums’ reaction to the stadium music volume, and excessive use of strobe lighting for all those people with epilepsy out there.
• Your reaction to the eventual report that will tell you things you already knew but will blueprint fan-driven changes that along the way will also conveniently dovetail with extracting more money from punters or luring the elusive casual fan.

Heart rates of course are just the beginning. What about perspiration levels, or nervous tics? What about squeaky bum time monitoring? Or the balance of your stomach acids as South Africa wins a scrum penalty and kick for a lineout five metres out.

So, you may have laughed at the TV ads showing a fan being subjected to pre-match harden-up tests to cope with test match level footy. But no, it’s real and now.

Indeed, it may eventually be the best way to access quality health monitoring in the near future. Send me my sensor now!

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The Northern Tours are underway. Oops sorry, the climax of the inaugural Nations Championship, building towards a grand finals weekend at Twickers.

Depending on their games in the early part of  the season – and what happens over the next three weeks, everyone will get ranked north v south. To get a shot at the grand finale, for example, the All Blacks need to win everything while the Boks drop a match. Or close around 30 point differential favouring the Boks. On the other side of the ledger, the North, take your pick.

Personally, I am hoping the All Blacks will match up against France, irrespective of whether that is the final or not.

Because that will be something approximating the proper France, who remain a team that on its day will take apart any opposition.

It will also mean the All Blacks testing their new model rugby against a different style of play. After four tests of battering themselves against the forward power of South Africa, time to find out some other truths.

I don’t generally relish these new confections of championships but maybe warming to this one. But there are plenty of pitfalls if this a roaring success – not the least of which will be how other competitions align or whether they even survive.

In between that, let’s enjoy some last tasty rugby for the year before the proverbial barbecues are broken out.

The All Blacks open their tour against Scotland in Edinburgh at 3.10am on Sunday morning.

All Blacks match-day 23 (Test caps in brackets):

1. Ethan de Groot (46)
2. Codie Taylor (114) – Captain
3. Fletcher Newell (43)
4. Scott Barrett (91)
5. Fabian Holland (16)
6. Tupou Vaa’i (53)
7. Peter Lakai (16)
8. Wallace Sititi (25)
9. Cam Roigard (26)
10. Damian McKenzie (83)
11. Josh Moorby (7)
12. Jordie Barrett (86)
13. Quinn Tupaea (31)
14. Will Jordan (63)
15. Beauden Barrett (147)
16. Asafo Aumua (27)
17. George Bower (31)
18. Pasilio Tosi (19)
19. Christian Lio-Willie (3)
20. Anton Segner (3)
21. Cortez Ratima (25)
22. Timoci Tavatavanawai (3)
23. Rieko Ioane (91)

• The All Blacks and Scotland have met 33 times since their first Test in 1905 at Inverleith, Edinburgh. New Zealand has won 31 and drawn twice.

• The sides have met 21 times in Scotland, with both draws at Murrayfield: 0-0 on 18 January 1964 and 25-25 on 12 November 1983. The last 10 meetings between the teams have all been played at Murrayfield.

• The All Blacks and Scotland are both currently sitting in second place on their respective hemisphere leaderboards for the Nations Championship.

• Wing Will Jordan is currently the leading try-scorer in the 2026 Nations Championship, with six tries from three matches.